The Test Day Translated

We don’t know about you guys, but we’re pretty tired of hearing the same old lines from the drivers and crew. Political correctness has gone over the top, and gone are the days of helmets being hurled across the track and expletives being fired at the crowd on podiums. If only there were a way of knowing what they actually meant…

Introducing the RBHRT Translator! It’s a more sophisticated version Google Translate, but don’t try to plug in French or Mandarin. It can only cope with turning Race Talk into Real Talk.

So what did the guys actually think about yesterday’s test day?

Shane van Gisbergen, Car #97 Driver

What he said: “It was a busy day and we tried a lot of different setups on the car. We also made sure we’re on top of the mechanical issues we’ve had this year. I’m really looking forward to Darwin, I’ve had some good results there in the past. There’s a long way to go in the championship, but if we can keep being consistent then we will hopefully keep ourselves up there.”

What he meant: “We had no idea what we were doing. Stevie Wonder could have done a better job, we were flying that blind. If we get another bloody mechanical issue this year, I’m leaving. I’m serious. I’m not looking forward to Darwin at all, that place is a sweatbox, and we’ve got stuff-all chance of catching DJR Team Penske in the championship. Wait, was that the sound of my transaxle falling out the car? I wonder if those blokes have any jobs going…”

Grant McPherson, Car #97 Race Engineer

What he said: “We had a clean and consistent run, so we decided to let the drivers swap cars for the afternoon session to get a different read on the setups. We’ve got the same approach but it was good to have the drivers back up what each of them is feeling behind the wheel. Faultless day for all cars.”

What he meant: “We didn’t crash, but that’s only because we were so slow. I’m not sure which is worse. Cauchi and I basically ran out of setup ideas so we decided to swap cars. Turns out the drivers are as confused as we are. We need help.”

Jamie Whincup, Car #1 Driver

What he said: “The car was there or thereabouts. We worked through our program and tried some new parts on the car, which are looking good. We’ll keep working on them back at the factory to refine them and hopefully have them ready for Townsville.”

What he meant: “The car was rubbish, I almost called it quits at lunchtime. We got about a third of the way through our program and then the new front uprights we were trying failed massively. We’ve seriously got some work to do if we’re hoping to race these pieces of junk, we’ll be lucky if we have them in the car in time for Bathurst.”

David Cauchi, Car #1 Race Engineer

What he said: “It was important for us to have a great test day today since introducing the new ZB Commodore. Jamie gave us some good feedback from the test plan to learn from. Everything ran pretty smoothly, although like any test day, we have had a few ups and downs, but that’s why we’re here.”

What he meant: “We have absolutely no idea what we’re doing with the ZB. I pretty much just let Jamie run the day to see if he could engineer this thing. To be honest, he did a good job. The car’s still got all four corners intact, so I’d say that’s a win. Probably the only one though. Actually, Mario’s bacon and egg muffins…”

Mark Dutton, RBHRT Team Manager

What he said: “The guys and girls have done a fantastic job of getting through their test plans today. The times we see in testing aren’t necessarily representative of how quick the cars actually are because we’re trying lots of different things. We’re still getting to grips with how the ZB Commodore works, especially on these 2016 compound tyres, but we’re confident that we’ll be strong in Darwin, the track should suit us.”

What he meant: “The test plans were overly ambitious, verging on ridiculous. We’re really slow, I’m embarrassed. The new parts we were trying are basically useless, we’ll be burning them this afternoon. We have no idea how to engineer this car and we’re going to keep blaming the tyres to try to cover ours backs. We’ve had our best, check back in after New Zealand.”